Is Your Mood My Fault? And why am I so convinced it is... plus Just One (Perfect) Book

You're grumpy, I feel guilty... Is this really the ultimate expression of my narcissim?

Some people in my life are rightly cranky this week. Or sad, or angry, or distraught, or some combination thereof and you know what, they should be. I would be in their place, and in some cases I am/was. I get it.

When I’m in that space—grumpy, cranky, sad—I don’t want the people around me to feel responsible (unless they are and I’m passive-aggressively trying to make them suffer, sorry but at least I know I’m doing it). I just need space to get myself out, or deal with the thing, or just be grumpy about the (usually not-so) terrible lot in life I’ve been dealt in that moment.

I know that’s what my people want too. So why am I always so deeply convinced that their mood is my fault, my problem, mine to fix or alter or repair? Even when I know better. Even when I’m fully able to outwardly let them deal with their own problem (for example, when an old-enough child has an issue that’s fully on their plate), I still take that baby IN. I perseverate, turn it over and over in my mind, roll around in it until I’m fully infused in their mood.

Which isn’t great for me or the recipient of my probably unwanted emotional twinning, who now has to either deal with me or fake being “okay” in order to turn me off.

Kids, I know better. I’ve even written about this from a parenting perspective: it’s not good for kids to feel like your happiness depends on theirs; it pushes them to deny their own legit emotions in order not to provoke yours. And yet I still do it (albeit mostly internally, and mostly, at this point, with my partner).

Any useful advice out there, or just commiseration? Tell me I’m not alone.

MEANWHILE A BOOK:

My absolute fave of late is, undoubtedly, The Road to Tender Hearts from Annie Hartnett. Yes, it’s another vaguely crochety older person opens up to emotional honesty story but a) I apparently love those and b) this is special, it really is, the characters are so wonderful and the story so perfectly woven and the differing perspectives so perfectly drawn. I know some of you already read and loved this one and you WERE RIGHT. Who’s read the author’s other books? I’m not sure why I missed them, but now I’m tempted to head in.

(Also, if you’ve already done this and you’d like a totally unexpected road trip novel to follow up, can I suggest The Road to Roswell by Connie Willis? Just trust me.)

Locals, this one will be back at the library later this week!